Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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