I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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