I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
