Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
