Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
