I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
