wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
