My Higher Power is John Stamos
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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