He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
