I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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