I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
