i need an iv and a liver transplant
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
