The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize