It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
