i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
