yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
