she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
