My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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