Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
