Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
