Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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