My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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