Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
