Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
