I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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