if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
