fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
