I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Randomize
