As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
