Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
