I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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