So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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