So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
