so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
