I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
