Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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