reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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