How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize