Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
