Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i out mim tonsoeep
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