There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
