The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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