We are two peas in an std pod
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
