If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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