remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i think i just lost a toe
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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