I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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