Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
