I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
