Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
