cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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