i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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