just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just want to make out with him forever
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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