Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Farmville is her only friend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
