Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
