im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
