Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
