I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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