This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He better not be in your backpack
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
