Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
