i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize