the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
