Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
