ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
