3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
