well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
me + whiskey = a bad person
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize